Going to war, like choosing a car color or sexual orientation, is a very difficult and personal decision. Our good friends in the Bush Administration took time from their very busy schedule of laughing maniacally and hunting Nader voters for food and sport to come up with these pearls, and if you’re going to protest a thing, you should become familiar with the source material.

Note: Each reason has a “Moral Authority” number, with which the wielder can use to one-up someone they’re debating against.

For example, being a vegetarian gives you 7 Moral Authority points. However, if your dining companion explains they eat steak because their mother was killed in a stampede initiated by Hitler, who then impregnated several of the cows, the offspring of which were introduced into the larger bovine population and if not destroyed will turn all cattle into Nazi cattle – well, they have a Moral Authority number of 3,495 – and thereby trump you, and make it so you have to sit all quiet and, likely, pay for the meal.

•  Iraq is in violation of UN resolution 1441, also known as “Bush-Cheney-Machine Wanted to Go to War With Iraq, But All They Might End Up Getting Is A Lousy Inexplicit U.N. Resolution.” It says that Iraq has to disarm, or else the delightfully vague “serious consequences” will happen, which most knew meant war, but some think could mean credit-rating harm or having Victoria’s Secret catalogues sent to Saddam’s workplace.
  (Moral authority points: 7)
   

• Iraq has weapons of Mass Destruction, and isn’t supposed to. Unlike the other places that do.
  (Moral authority points: 11. If we weren’t so blatantly hypocritical about it, 23)
   

• Saddam Hussein sponsors terrorism, and could give those weapons of mass destruction to terrorists. Sort of like herpes, only with biological weapons, like finely-milled airborne-spreading herpes powder.
  (Moral authority points: 14. If this wasn’t so frequently disputed by the CIA, 20)
   

• Saddam oppresses his own people, gassing and torturing them from time to time. (Note: Only from 1990-2003, with a brief lapse in 1992 when we were tying our shoes or something and didn’t notice that the Kurds and Shiites had listened to us when we said “go revolt.”)
  (Moral authority points 16. If we didn’t help him get the equipment to do so, 25)
   

• Deposing Saddam will bring about Democracy in the Middle East
  (Moral authority points 1. If you honestly think free elections will flower in Saudi Arabia, where the entire *country* is named after the ruling family, -1. If you honestly think democracy is flowering here in AmeriBushica, for the same reasons, -2).

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