Why is the ocean blue? There are many reasons: For one, it is reflecting the sky. Other times, it’s colored that way because of algae. Another reason might be a spill of really bright blue oil. Or a huge pod of blue whales sitting very still. Or it may be orange, and you’re just color-blind.

Like religion, sometimes you got to sit down and pick your horse. And no, that’s not a mixed metaphor if you choose a faith centered around horse gods. And now that you know all the reasons why all those television pundits who wouldn’t even enlist in the KISS Army are clamoring for combat, it’s time for you to pick *your* reasons for disagreeing.

Note: the Moral Authority numbers are detailed here as well, and are governed by equal rules.

• Innocent people will die. Well duh! If only guilty people died it would be called the Texas penal system. And the movie “Daredevil.”
  (Moral authority points 8. If you’re not using this reason to pick up women, 4. If you’re a lesbian using this line to pick up women, 33. If you’re about to email me saying that innocent people died in “Daredevil,” I’d like to point out that Electra doesn’t really die, and Daredevil’s dad and Electra’s dad were morally ambiguous, and in dumb movies, morally ambiguous people always die, and give you –24 moral authority points.)
   

• Interfering in the Middle East will only bring more terrorism.
  (Moral authority points: 10. Since watching reruns of “Head of the Class” and eating “Crackling Oat Bran” will also bring about more terrorism, 9.)
   

•  America can’t afford the price of a war, both economically and… no, just economically.
  (Moral authority points 10. But since not being able to afford things, but getting them anyway is the American Dream, 8.)
   

• Iraq is not Al Qaeda, this won’t help fight the war on terrorism. Unless a stray bomb lands in northwest Pakistan.
  (Moral authority points 18. Since lots of things that aren’t the war on terrorism are still getting lots of administration attention (such as the War on Statues With Boobs, The War On The Fact Rich People Occasionally Pay Taxes, and The War on Bongs shaped like Alice in Wonderland characters) it gets 20.)
   

• There is no evidence that Iraq poses a threat to the US. I mean, yeah, they could build a rocket that could take out a city, or smuggle in a bomb or something, but after 12 years, during which sneaking into the US was easier than sneaking into the second stage at Lollapalooza during a Luscious Jackson performance, wouldn’t they have done it already?
  (Moral authority points 22. Since you probably voted for Nader because you thought Bush didn’t pose a threat to Al Gore, 7.)
   

• Only 558 people, total, in the entire world outside of the U.S. support war on Iraq.
  (Moral authority points 8. Since all 558 run governments with seats in the U.N. 4.)
   

• Invading Iraq would mean occupying Iraq, something that will be very costly and uncertain, since everyone there hates everyone else there. Yeah – but then they’d hate us the most, and that would unite them. For about 13.4 seconds or so.
  (Moral authority points 11. Because we did such a fantastic job rebuilding Afghanistan and Broward County, Florida, 15.)
   

• Speaking of Afghanistan, we’re not done there yet. The Taliban is rebuilding, Osama is vacationing in Club Med, and Mullah Omar is serving drinks at the same Club Med, (although they didn’t plan it that way. How awkward!) And Israel-Palestine fighting is still a horrific mess. And Islamist movements are gaining ground in Southeast Asia. And meanwhile the nation’s “terror alert” level is at “soiled-underwear brown,” and the CIA says “terror-chatter” is very active, with lots of chatter-room emotocons of >:-/  which looks very scary, and Jeezus! Why are we going after Iraq instead of dealing with this?
  (Moral authority points: 17. If you are reading this to avoid doing some real work too, 13.)

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