“It’s only a conspiracy theory until it’s proven true,” the old saying goes. And people who said that in olden times were usually shot for it by men in black suits flying around in recently-repaired flying saucers with Lee Harvey Oswald and the Dell Computers dude.

But in 1935, fishermen in Madagascar pulled up a Coelacanth, a primeval fish thought extinct, proving once and for all that fishermen in Madagascar were behind the assassination of President Garfield.

So, conspiracy theories hold a lot of weight. And as the storm clouds gather over a region of the country that, thanks to 12 years of U.N. sanctions, can’t afford hoods, let alone umbrellas – it’s not hard to think that there may be more motives behind the President’s plan for Iraqi invasion, castration and occupation.

Theory: Bush is just after Iraq’s oil. Cheney, Rice, White, Rumsfeld – they all have oil industry ties, and they’re just trying to make backroom deals for their friends in the industry.

Truth: There are no backroom deals. They’re being pretty up front with the fact this is going to give money to US oilpeople. I mean, they’re outright saying to France and other opposition countries: “Hey, if you don’t help us out, you don’t get to help rebuild” And they’re not talking about libraries here. Which isn’t to say France doesn’t like rebuilding libraries, and wouldn’t be sad if Bulgaria got to do by itself. That their former companies plan to make MINTS off the reconstruction of Iraq and it’s massive oil reserves aren’t secret – hell, they’re practically giving Halliburton sponsorship of the war, like it’s a bowl game or something.

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Theory: Bush is just trying to avenge the attempted assassination of his father in the early nineties.

Truth: Though Bush said that yeah, that was a reason he hated Hussein, surely this isn’t enough to justify a war. Especially when there’s all that oil to be had. Plus we already bombed Hussein. He learned his lesson not to try to assassinate World Leaders. Meanwhile, the U.S. has okayed the assassination of Saddam. Oh, how awkward!

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Theory: The Zionists are using this as a ploy to turn all of the Middle East into a U.S.-Israeli occupation zone.

Truth: Nope. Sorry, Mr. Crazy Guy who shouts this at the Chicago street corner where I used to work. It’s the scientologists using this as a ply. In cahoots with a Dr. Who fanfic webring. A very dark and influential Dr. Who fanfic webring.

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Theory: Bush wants to distract us from the lousy economy

Truth: No, that’s what Orange Alerts are for.

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Theory: Bush wants to distract us from the fact we could be dirty bombed any second now, and no number of flashy graphics on CNN will ever change that.

Truth: No, that’s what Tom Ridge’s rakish smile and devilish good looks are for. That, and for successful use of the hypno-gaze.

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