Yes, you’re against the war -- war is bad! -- But Bill O’Reilly just called you a traitor! Tom DeLay (R-TX) just called you an appeaser! That’s not true!

You are a patriot, and protesting is your constitution-given right, unless John Ashcroft thinks you’re a terrorist or pornographer. So, to be on the safe-side, here’s a list of caveats for you.

Caveat: "I’m against the war, but don’t get me wrong, I support our troops who are putting themselves in harms way to defend our freedom."
Follow-up caveat: "I support them so much, I don’t want them to get shot in war."

Caveat: "I’m against the war, but don’t get me wrong, Iraq is evil and everyone would be better off if Saddam Hussein was gone. "
Follow-up caveat: "It should, ideally, be done by the world community, or the Arab nations, or by the Iraqi people – who are most affected by his moustache. I mean reign."

Caveat: "I’m against the war, but don’t get me wrong, I am an American, and hope that if we do get in a war, it ends quickly with little bloodshed."
Follow-up caveat: "Why do I feel nauseous?"

Caveat: "I’m against the war, but don’t get me wrong, I believe Iraq is in violation of the security council’s resolution and that they should disarm at once."
Follow-up caveat: "Speaking of which, didn’t we pull out of a bunch of nuclear proliferation treaties recently?"

Caveat: "I’m against the war, but don’t get me wrong, sometimes you do need to use force against an enemy to preserve world freedom."
Follow-up caveat: "But kind of precedent will this set between India and Pakistan? China and Taiwan? Your brother and sister, who look up to you?"

Caveat: "I’m against the war, but don’t get me wrong, I’m really not to jammed up either way. But damn, it feels so smarmy, just like that Supreme Court decision that gave Bush the presidency. I mean, it’s legal and all, and made some sense, but yuck."
Follow-up caveat: "Damn Bush."

Caveat: "I’m against the war, but don’t get me wrong, I understand that instability in Iraq does affect the nation’s economy, and I’ve been unemployed since “Sinks.com” went under and not even Borders will hire me."
Follow-up caveat: "So yeah, deal with the economy, you bastard. I can’t afford to feed my goldfish."

Caveat: "I’m against this war, but don’t get me wrong, did you know that Iraq has aluminum tubes for nuclear production? And sarin gas? And maybe some ties to al Qaeda? And Saddam gasses his own people and… yes, I am Colin Powell."
Follow-up caveat: "We can deal with North Korea and Iran diplomatically. Stop laughing."

Caveat: "I’m against the war, but don’t get me wrong, the President led the nation with moral clarity following 9/11, and I’ve got a Giuliani tattoo on my shoulder blade, and yeah, I dabbled in Republicanism after the attacks, I mean, who didn’t? It was an overwhelming time, and we all experimented a little bit."
Follow-up caveat: "But come on, Iraq?"

Caveat: "Je n’aime pas le gueurre, mais tu ne me comprends pas, je suis le President de France, et je m’appelle Jaques Chirac, et j’ai un veto dans le council securite, et boucoups des contracts des oil avec les Iraqis, et tout le population de France pense que George Bush a le tete de un pamplemousse, seulment plus grande, et je voudrais acheter un baguette avec fromage s’il vous plait. Merci! Au revoir!"
Follow-up caveat: “Pardonnez-moi, ou est la double-vay-say?"

Caveat: "I’m against the war, but don’t get me wrong, I’m also running for President, so I’m totally for the war, but vaguely so, because you win the primary on the left, and the general election from the center. Did I say this out loud?"
Follow-up caveat: "I’m so totally for ethanol it would blow your mind!"

Copyright 2003 - Lettuce.org