Sometimes during a protest, folks'll want to follow up their words of protest with action -- an act of civil disobedience, in which people show their commitment by getting arrested for “sitting-in” the Governor’s Office, or an army base, or in the way of a tank.

These are non-violent actions, and are very noble, and odds are you won’t get charged for anything, or at worse, get some kind of ticket for trespassing. Especially if a few hundred of you are arrested. If you find yourself getting arrested all by yourself, while the other protesters just stand around, confused, odds are you did it wrong, and are likely headed to Guantanamo Bay.

The plus side of non-violent arrests is that you get to brag about your deep passion for the cause without having any real consequences, unless you plan to run for public office outside of the Northeast or West Coast. And years later you may use the story for street cred, and thus inflate the experience to include getting beaten. The negative side is that you miss out on the cool post-protest bus ride home, and the chance to neck with a hot underclassman. Neither pro, nor con, is that you get handcuffed by these twist-tie things that aren’t as cool as real handcuffs, but warmer. And when they cut them off, you can take them home for “proof.”

There are other kinds of arrests, like violent arrests, if you suddenly decide to self-style yourself as an “anarchist” and throw a brick through the front window of an “Old Navy” thus speaking out against Globalization (they’re owned by Gap), Sweatshops (they don’t use sweatshops, but hey, why not), and ancient naval forces. This is a whole different kind of arrest, and you actually will get taken down to the police station, booked, and wind up in a cell with someone who is missing a chunk of their cheek, so much so you can actually see his teeth when his mouth is closed.

I tell this from actual experience when I was arrested for being an accessory to a violent protest and wound up in a cell with the same-said guy with the missing chunk of cheek. And let me tell you it was awkward, because there were nine of us in the holding cell, and only one bench, which this guy was sitting on, and not allowing anyone to join him. And when the cop put me in the cell, I made some kind of modestly humorous comment to the cop, like “on the whole, I’d rather be in Philadelphia,” to hide the fact that I was totally freaked out, man, and the guy lacking facial skin heard me and said:

“You’re funny. Tell another joke.”

And so I found myself having to tell jokes to a cell full of people who were really quite angry at the system, and that’s not a good crowd for any comedian, especially one who isn’t a comedian, and not used to telling jokes to anyone but his adolescent cousins, who find knock-knock jokes ending in “Orange you glad I didn’t say banana” beyond funny.

Anyway, ultimately I was taken out of the cell and sent to get a TB test, and when I came back, it was decided I was no longer funny, so I wasn’t allowed to sit on the bench with the cheek-less guy, and had to go back to sitting on the floor, a floor in which the smell of urine was the pleasant masking odor to scents far, far worse.

So, yeah, that was 8 years ago, and ultimately I got a “malicious mischief” misdemeanor, and now, when I apply for jobs I have to explain that alliterative phrase and offer various details of this wonderful event, all of which makes me look, at best, like a “malicious mischief-maker," like some kind of Norse anti-god, and really, if you need a copy editor for your newspaper, are you going to hire Loki? Didn’t think so.

So, don’t do that.

There are all sorts of arrests and police actions in-between, like being sprayed with pepper spray for not dispersing as police-ordered, or being shot with rubber bullets for staying too long after a Rage Against the Machine Concert during the 2000 Democratic Political Convention (although, in the police’s defense, concert-goers were throwing parking meters at them.)

Anyway, here are some things to keep in mind if you are planning on being arrested:

• Write the phone number of the pre-assigned legal council on your hand. Don’t have the number of a pre-assigned legal council? Either find one through the protest organizers, or don’t get arrested. Seriously. You’ll be assigned a public defender, many of whom are really nice and competent, but have more caseloads than the Smithsonian has pop-culture crap.
   

• Get arrested next to someone you enjoy, and preferably find cute. Because the thing about being arrested is that it takes a VERY VERY long time. First sitting in handcuffs, and then sitting in the Arrest Bus or whatever And then sitting in the primary holding cell. Secondary holding cell. Etc. Or, if they just let you go, then you have someone you enjoy, or preferably find cute, to go get coffee with and bask in your activism.
   

• Wear warm clothing if its cold, cool clothing if its warm. Because if you wind up in a jail, the holding cell will be the outside temperature, only twice as bad, and they’ll take away your coat and other things that you could make a noose or weapon out of, and trust me, the sound and smell of the drunk guy vomiting is much worse if you’re chilly.
   

• Don’t fight back against the cops, no matter what. I knew a guy who took the baton away from a cop who was hitting another protester, and the guy who just took the baton was charged with assault on a police officer. You know all that Jesus stuff about turning the other cheek? As great as it would be to see our religious president follow this as he heads off to war, you better as you head off to jail.
   

• Eat heartily beforehand. I nearly ratted out my friend for some M&Ms once, and 24 hours later, was willing to rat out perfectly innocent friends for some Skittles. When you do get to eat, it’ll be a bologna sandwich, and even if you’re not a vegetarian, you don’t want to go there, man.
   

• Most civil disobedience actions have someone designated to take the names of protesters who plan on getting arrested so they don’t get lost in the system and wake up in the middle of the final episode of HBO’s “Oz.” For obvious reasons, find this person, give them your name, and give them a muffin too, because muffins taste good, and you’ll get moved up higher in the list. That is, if they like muffins.

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