I sat behind John R. Bolton as California Senator Barbara Boxer said: "My overall assessment is that you have nothing but disdain for the United Nations." She looked very stern. Bolton, President Bush's nominee for America's embassador to the United Nations, squirmed in his seat. "You can dance around it," Boxer continued, "you can run away from it, you can put perfume on it, but the bottom line

The four or five guards that hadn't tried to shoot me moved out of the way. I hated that so many had to die -- but sometimes, during coups, you have to learn the hard way. I didn't feel too bad. Technically I didn't shoot them -- they shot themselves. Sure, I could have told them that my Mitochondrial Shield repels bullets directly back to the source of the shooting, but for most people, that's

You know, if there's one criticism that can be leveled at me (and there is only one. All others will lead to a particularly painful death) its that I'm too America-focused. It's hard not to be. While the Secret Organization that Runs the World is not affiliated with any nation, so much of my work leads me to the United States. While its true, my underground desert lair is not in Nevada, I do

I'm a patient man. Really. I waited *weeks* before I interceded in the 2000 Presidential Election. I let Arafat and Sharon do their thing with hardly any interruption. And, while I'll admit knowing how this whole mess in Iraq is going to end does help with any impatience to see it resolved, I can wait. That's what I was doing with Gannon. You know, Jeff Gannon. His real name is Jeff Guckert.

Ah, Fashion Week in Milan! It's over now, but is there anything more glamorous? Yes. Many many things. But in the middle of February, pre-Oscars and post -Golden Globes, it will have to do. I rarely attend these things -- usually my work week if filled up with writing national budgets, distributing International Monetary Fund funds and causing oil prices to skyrocket. Wow, so much of my time is

So, Shadow and I were tucked in to the floating bed/couch for a night of movie watching and smore's. Shadow loves s'mores. Since he was put on some experimental thylacine medicine, he's been feeling much better. It's hard getting thylacine medicine, what with the world assuming the species is extinct. But I have connections. Many connections. But in some ways, that's all I have. Sure, my

Now, I'm not one to throw temper tantrums. After all, I am the most powerful person on the planet, as well as the Moon and the two other inhabited planets, the names of which I'm not at liberty to mention. And yet, lately, there have been so many events undermining my power. For example, I did not direct the Earthquake Generator or WeatherSat 4000 to create any tsunamis, but sure enough, one

Damn it. How simple can my directions be. I told Bush to say that to fix Social Security "we also have the responsibility to make the system a better deal for younger workers. And the best way to reach that goal is through voluntary personal retirement accounts." It's just a dumb State of the Union speech? How hard can it be? Instead, this is what he said: "If we don't fix social security, it

Yesterday was election day in Iraq. Or, as I like to call it, "Election Day in Iraq." I ordered this thing it seems like forever ago, and it's been a long time coming. Everything went according to plan, except for the purple finger thing. I specifically told them to dip Iraqi voters' fingers in the green ink I supplied, filled with geo-locating nanites designed to instill a deep love for

In the next 40 years, the communication devices most of you use that you call “telephones” will cease to exist. Even the “cell phones” (they’re excellent tracking devices, by the way) will be replaced by a technology so simple and advanced that it’s practically impossible for me to describe here. It’s like describing a color that hithertobefore hadn’t been seen, or a number inbetween, say, six and

Ah, my precious, precious Eagles. They finally won. People may ask, is it fair for the Secret Underground Ruler of the World to have a favorite team, let alone a favorite sport? The answer, yes. Because this is the only instance I will stay neutral on. Sure, I may mess with the weather to help a game. But I'll never use my powers of human-brain manipulation, or high-level governmental

Shadow is pacing around on the sky-skiff, having already eaten his thylacine kibble and drunk on wombat essence, and is getting more agitated every minute. We've been in a holding pattern over Philadelphia for almost 15 minutes, unheard of when you are the leader of the shadow government that secretly controls the world. Plus, it's four hours until kick-off. I page the control tower

Just got back from Trump's wedding. Ugh. I hate weddings -- but it is always nice to be invited. Although this was as much an occasion for business as shrimp cocktail. I was already planning on a visit to "The Donald," wedding or not. All the better to go to the bash, however, given that I own the lease for Trump's ridiculous Mar-a-Lago estate and secret radio telescope station. I like checking

Someone strafed the sky-skiff as I left Mosul this afternoon. It scared Shadow. Equally annoying, my impromptu meeting with Iraqi P.M., and former intern Mahmud Abbas was a waste. All he wanted to talk about was the NFL playoffs, and let slip that he was an Atlanta fan. I couldn't talk with him after that, my disgust was so great. Checked the sky-skiff after returning to the lair. It was fine,